This week is always a little rough for me. This year it's been really difficult! I've not written on here since Dad passed, but since I'm struggling more this year than I have in the last couple, I thought I would try to put my thoughts down and see if that helps.
For those who remember or followed the blog three years ago, my dad went into the hospital on March 15, 2011 with lung cancer. I started blogging the journey to document it and hopefully to look back on it with him once the battle was over. However, the battle ended too quickly and my dad lost.
For whatever reason, this year the tears are coming more often and my heart hurts a little more. Why? Shouldn't this be getting easier? Isn't time supposed to ease the pain? Well it's not. The anxiety and longing are worse this year.
As the rational part brain starts processing through the last couple months, I realize there are a few things that helped to contribute to these feelings. In February, I went to the doctor to get a general health check up. I've lost weight, I exercise, I eat right, yet my cholesterol came back high. Most likely hereditary from my dad. Hmmm... that scares me. He had several heart attacks beginning with one in his thirties. I'm already paranoid that I am going to die of lung cancer due to exposure from second hand smoke all my life and now I have this to worry about! And, Dad isn't here for me to yell at about it!
Next, is a joyous event is happening soon. My second grandchild is on his way! Rendon Thomas is due April 28th. I am so excited!! There is another bundle of joy entering our lives. My son and daughter-in-law have even named him after my dad (Thomas), which makes my heart sing. Then, I remember that my dad will never get to hold this sweet bundle and get that goofy grin on his face like he did with both of his grandkids and his great-granddaughter. I won't get to hear him say, "Well, he ain't no bigger than a fart in a whirlwind!"
Along with that event, my kids are finally moving out on their own. Yay! I am super excited for them. Kade, Triniti, Kailee, and Rendon will have their own little house soon. While I know it's the perfect little house, because how could it not be when it is on Thomas Street, I anxious for them. It will be the first time that Kailee has not lived with me. I know Kade and Triniti are ready, but am I ready for them to be gone? Yes...and no. I wonder if my mom and dad went through this when I moved out?
This school year has been a little more stressful and while I talk to Mom often, I still miss Dad. Both he and mom have always stood by me as a teacher. Dad has even helped move my classroom a few times!! Every year about this time when the state testing is upon me, Mom (and Dad) always got to (and get to again) listen to me grumble.
He's been gone three years and although I know his phone number has been given to someone else, I haven't deleted his contact info out of my phone. It just feels wrong to "delete" him. Mom keeps his Facebook page up for people to write. That is often where I write to him when I am missing him.
So, as I write this, the rational side of me understands better all the different little things that are contributing to the anxiety and greater sense of loss this year. The emotional and less rational side doesn't care. That side just wants to cry, scream "CANCER SUCKS", yell at her dad for smoking, and tell him I love him and miss him and wish he was here.
And my three year rambling has ended for now.
Much love!!
Krista
