It's Been Three Years

This week is always a little rough for me.  This year it's been really difficult!  I've not written on here since Dad passed, but since I'm struggling more this year than I have in the last couple, I thought I would try to put my thoughts down and see if that helps.

For those who remember or followed the blog three years ago, my dad went into the hospital on March 15, 2011 with lung cancer.  I started blogging the journey to document it and hopefully to look back on it with him once the battle was over.  However, the battle ended too quickly and my dad lost.

For whatever reason, this year the tears are coming more often and my heart hurts a little more.  Why?  Shouldn't this be getting easier?  Isn't time supposed to ease the pain?  Well it's not.  The anxiety and longing are worse this year.

As the rational part brain starts processing through the last couple months, I realize there are a few things that helped to contribute to these feelings.  In February, I went to the doctor to get a general health check up.  I've lost weight, I exercise, I eat right, yet my cholesterol came back high.  Most likely hereditary from my dad.  Hmmm... that scares me.  He had several heart attacks beginning with one in his thirties.  I'm already paranoid that I am going to die of lung cancer due to exposure from second hand smoke all my life and now I have this to worry about!  And, Dad isn't here for me to yell at about it!

Next, is a joyous event is happening soon.  My second grandchild is on his way!  Rendon Thomas is due April 28th.  I am so excited!! There is another bundle of joy entering our lives.  My son and daughter-in-law have even named him after my dad (Thomas), which makes my heart sing.  Then, I remember that my dad will never get to hold this sweet bundle and get that goofy grin on his face like he did with both of his grandkids and his great-granddaughter. I won't get to hear him say, "Well, he ain't no bigger than a fart in a whirlwind!"

Along with that event, my kids are finally moving out on their own.  Yay!  I am super excited for them.  Kade, Triniti, Kailee, and Rendon will have their own little house soon.  While I know it's the perfect little house, because how could it not be when it is on Thomas Street, I anxious for them.  It will be the first time that Kailee has not lived with me. I know Kade and Triniti are ready, but am I ready for them to be gone?  Yes...and no.  I wonder if my mom and dad went through this when I moved out?

This school year has been a little more stressful and while I talk to Mom often, I still miss Dad.  Both he and mom have always stood by me as a teacher.  Dad has even helped move my classroom a few times!!  Every year about this time when the state testing is upon me, Mom (and Dad) always got to (and get to again) listen to me grumble.

He's been gone three years and although I know his phone number has been given to someone else, I haven't deleted his contact info out of my phone.  It just feels wrong to "delete" him.  Mom keeps his Facebook page up for people to write.  That is often where I write to him when I am missing him.

So, as I write this, the rational side of me understands better all the different little things that are contributing to the anxiety and greater sense of loss this year.  The emotional and less rational side doesn't care.  That side just wants to cry, scream "CANCER SUCKS", yell at her dad for smoking, and tell him I love him and miss him and wish he was here.

And my three year rambling has ended for now.

Much love!!

Krista

Schu's Battle with Cancer is Over

So sorry I did not post on Sunday and am posting so late this evening.   These last two days and the night have been a rollercoaster of emotions.  As most of you have already heard, my dad lost his battle with cancer early this morning.  He was in no pain and went peacefully.  Mom, Kevin, my Aunt Barbie, and I were all at his side.  While our hearts are broken, we know Dad is no longer suffering.

The viewing, funeral and burial will all be Thursday.  All arrangements are being handled by Blue Bonnet Hills Funeral Home in Colleyville, TX.  If you so choose, you may make a donation to the American Cancer Society.  Cancer won this battle, but eventually we HAVE to win the war and eradicate this awful disease.

Thank you for all the wonderful support.  The prayers and love were/are greatly appreciated.

Much love,

Krista

ICU in the Middle of the Night

So, after going home for a little bit, the kidney doctor called Mom.  Dad's kidneys are shutting down.  He needs dialysis, but the doctor doesn't believe Dad's body can take it.  So, Mom made a tough call... no dialysis.

With that decision, we asked if we could come back to the ICU and stay with Dad.  Mom promised to be by his side and I don't want to leave him alone.  Two things he worried about before being admitted; sleeping because he was scared he wouldn't wake up, and going to the hospital because he was scared he wouldn't come home.  The other thing that has bothered him is the fact that his father passed away at age 63,  AND Dad is 63.  Well...

So we are here.  It's so hard to watch this tough guy who used to make me say he was "The Meanest Man in the World" struggle to breathe.  Cancer SUCKS!!!

Much love!

Krista

Well... It's Saturday Night and the Moon is Out....

but we are here in the ICU with Dad.  It's not looking too good.  After two rounds of albumin, Dad's blood pressure did not come up enough, so now he is on a medicine to increase his blood pressure.  So, now it is up at 93/52.  Much better than earlier but with the help of lots of meds.

Now for the other news.  Dad's kidneys are not doing well.  The oncologist, pulmonologist, and cardiologist have told us it is an uphill battle.  They are calling in a kidney specialist.  They are hoping if he can be sustained now, he can fight back as the chemo begins killing the cancer.  The mortality rate for how he is now is very high.  Essentially, he has four systems; heart, liver, lungs, and kidneys that are not doing well.  His heart is working almost twice as hard as it should have to.  They have increased his fluids and done all kinds of other things and we are hoping and praying.

While I realize God doesn't make mistakes and this may be his will, but it is not my will.  I am not ready to lose my dad or have my kids and granddaughter lose their granddad.  However, I don't have control...GRRR.

There is power in prayer!  Please keep praying.  Miracles happen every day!  Let's pray that it is God's will and the miracle will be that Dad fully recovers!  Let's pray he sees another birthday.

Much love and prayers,

Krista

Spring Break is Ending, But the Battle is Still Happening

So, it's Saturday afternoon.  My Spring Break is drawing to a close, but Dad's battle has only just begun.  When we arrived this morning, Dad was in pretty much the same state as yesterday.  The good news is that his oxygen saturation levels are staying at 95 and above... and the reduced the amount of pure oxygen down to 60%.  The breathing tube is still in and he is still sedated.  As horrible as it sounds, Mom and I believe it is best.  It is allowing him to rest and letting his body fight.

Beginning today, they have had to give him some insulin.  His sugar level is a little high.  Mom told me this happened to her after her heart surgery a few years ago.  The cardiologist stopped by earlier.  Dad's heart is good, but the rate is high....staying around 120 bpm.  The cardiologist said his body is just fighting so hard.

We have had some scares... his respiratory rate should stay close to 20.  A couple different times it dropped as low as 8.  It's been back up consistently 15-20 for a few hours.  His blood pressure is a little low... 87/49 currently.  Obviously no need for blood pressure meds...

So... that's what's happening now.  We're here and we're staying until we can win this battle!

Much love,

Krista

Recap of the Day

As I mentioned earlier, they intubated Dad this morning.  The breathing tube is doing the work for him because he was having to work too hard with the bi-pap machine.  Also, the machine had a mask that he just was not happy to have.  So, the intubation is actually better.

After he was intubated, the pulmonologist did a bronchial scope.  He put some saline in and then sucked it out to get some cells from Dad's lung.  His clotting levels are off due to all the meds, so they couldn't risk an actual biopsy.  We should get results from that in a few days.

With the intubation tube and sedation, Dad actually looks like he is getting much needed rest.  I know he's worried about Mom and I think he is fighting sleep because he is too scared that he won't wake up.  So, Mom and I talk to him and let him know we are there watching over him and that he needs to rest and let his body fight the nasty cancer monsters.  This afternoon it seemed to relax him some.  This evening, he kept trying to raise his hands (which are strapped down so he doesn't pull the tubes out), moving his head and trying to talk.  We had to keep telling him to just relax.  He only needs to worry about himself.  I promise him every day that I am taking care of Mom.  And... if you know my parents, that is VERY important to him.

Mom is doing as well as can be expected.  I kinda lost it a little today, but... I am OK.  And, it is not about me!  I am here as a support to Mom and Dad.  After all, without them, I wouldn't be me or where I am today!!!

The nurses he has had since the beginning of his stay have been wonderful!  It is observed and greatly appreciated.  Keep the prayers coming!

Lots of Love,

Krista

Day Two in ICU...

Well... Mom and I got here right around 8:40 am.  When I had called to check last night, they said Dad was doing fine.  However, this morning they did tell us that he didn't sleep well.  His O2 sats were good yesterday on the bi-pap with 80% oxygen.  They reduced him to 60%.  Well... apparently that was not a good thing.  This morning his O2 was not good.  So, as I type, they are intubating him.

While I am scared to death, I am hoping by them doing this he will relax and let the meds do their work.  Dad is not relaxing or sleeping, and that is not good.  He has got to let himself trust the docs and their work.

Mom is hanging in there.  Keep the prayers coming.  There is power in prayer!

Much love!

Krista